I just finished reading a report from the Wisconsin Finny Council, I am not sure what to make of it, but I thought I would pass it along to show how persecuted they are because of their deeply held religious beliefs.
These are difficult times for the Wisconsin Finny Council, as our rights and religious freedoms are constantly under attack by an increasingly crustaceous society. Of course this is all coming to a head this spring as the Supreme Court will be considering cases as to whether or not two shrimp eaters can marry. Traditional marriage is between those who only eat water creatures with fins. Adam and Eve were finny and that is good enough for us. Crustaceal marriage is unnatural and the entire social order will be undermined if the Supremes rule against us. We have tried mightily to keep the traditional finny intact, and while it seems that the tide might be turning against us, we will not give up.
One thing we will continue to fight hard for is your right to live by our special book: the B…O…O…K, as a right of individual conscience. Just because you work in a restaurant is no reason for you to be forced to deliver cocktail sauce to those who are committing an abomination. It is not only our right to open traditional finny restaurants that cater to good Fishtrian values, but it is also our right to keep those crustacean crunchers from openly weakening our society.
We are looking for sponsors for our bills to not only allow picketing at Red Lobsters, but to actively engage those who are trying to go there for their abominable meal. How many soles would be saved if they just listened to our arguments all the way to the door! Yes, we know that many people say they just go there for the cheddar biscuits, but that does not matter. Somewhere in there is luscious shrimp in garlic butter… I mean of course disgusting non levitical unclean THINGS that offend the very nose of god. And his taste buds too. It’s in the book.
We at the Wisconsin Finny Council have great public support for our position, in a nationwide poll that we commissioned, paid for and wrote all the questions for, a vast majority, 53% supported our anti-crustacean crunching positions. Because we are still in the majority, our religious freedoms should not be infringed. When we pass a law against cocktail sauce, we should not be overruled by some silly federal judge. This is a democracy, if we have the votes, what we say goes!
We will continue to uphold Fishtrian values and will support anyone who upholds those values by refusing to make cakes or take photos of crusty “weddings.” Fishtrian pharmacists should not be forced to dispense krill oil, no matter how many lives it might save. And of course your employer should never, ever hold their annual Festivus party at the house of the devil himself, Red Lobster.
We have heard the argument many times that we could just order from the Finny menu at Red Lobster, but that is not good enough. Why should we be exposed to those little antennae and beady little eyes at all? It is a violation of our religious freedom to even have to smell the scampi. And remember, when we ask the question just the right way, 53 percent of the the people in this great nation, under cod, agree with us.
One final note, our position is not in any way related to those wild eyed radicals who reject bacon wrapped shrimp. It is completely ludicrous for people to follow some barbaric set of beliefs that are found in some other book. Our book is absolutely correct in every way, we know that because it’s in the book. So, don’t muddy the waters with your bacon ideology. Our country was founded on Fishtrian values, the foundering fathers made no mention of bacon. We have to be vigilant because those baconators are trying to infiltrate our country and put us under swineria law. We sent a book to every congressman and senator warning them about the the plot to impose swineria law. Which would be totally wrong, of course.
Because the real, true god is the Fishtarian god, and we know this because it is in the book. B..O…O…K. And we will continue to fight for your religious freedum until true Fishtarian law is finally the law of the land.