The Secret Identity of “Ken Ham”

I thought it would be obvious by now, but most people don’t seem to get it, which tells you how wonderfully devious the plan is.  Phil Plait, in Slate has written that “Ken Ham”Really doesn’t understand science.”  Well, of course he doesn’t.  He wasn’t designed to.

No, not in the designed by god, excuse me, the designer who shall not be named but is by no means a religious entity, but is really the father of Jesus, but that is totally unrelated.  I am going to tell you what I mean by “designed” but you have to promise to keep it secret, otherwise I will have to kill you.

“Ken Ham” is no more real than Betty Bowers or the original Steven Colbert.  I would have been pretty damn obvious, really, how could “Ken Ham” be a real person?

“Ham” is a creation of American Society of Satanic Hoaxers and Taunters (ASSHAT).  His whole schtick is designed to create atheists and agnostics.  How could it be otherwise?  The whole idea that if even one word of the Bible is not true, then the whole thing is bogus is perfect for creating non-believers.  You don’t have to be a biblical scholar or read the thing for more than a few minutes to realize that it is riddled with contradictions and falsehoods.  Insisting that it is as perfect as god himself is simply a way to to destroy any confidence in god.

74196424-petersburg-united-states-to-go-with-afp-story-by-mira_1-crop-promo-mediumlargeNow, when ASSHAT first brought “Ham” out (From Australia, what a great cover story!) they assumed that people would see right through him.  Let’s face it, he is casted a bit too perfectly.  A guy who opposes evolution who looks exactly like a cross between a chimp and and a Neanderthal?   You can only make stuff like this up!  It can’t just be a coincidence.  But nobody blew his cover, so the plan went on to the next phase.

The Creation Museum really lays the groundwork for future developments, such as the under construction Ark Museum.  Many people don’t have a problem creationism, per se.  The idea that god created cute koala bears and ponderous pachyderms as is — Presto! — is an appealing idea.  But the museum starts to undercut the cuteness of all that, by showing man with dinosaurs.  Why would god create so many animals that are now dead?  In fact why would he create many, many more dead kinds of animals than live ones?  The seeds of doubt are being sown.

The other seed of doubt that is being sown is what kind of god are we talking about anyway?  Turns out “Ham’s” god is a big fat jerk.  Turns out the Garden of Eden is just trap, a way for people to screw up.  Turns out that Act One tossing out the the innocent looking teenagers in a fit of pique.  And their great sin?  Technically, disobedience, but really they want to be just like dad (god).  And we can’t be having any of that now, can we?  Try to be like me and I throw you out on your ass, this is the god “Ham” worships.  ASSHAT really is that brilliant!

Phase Two just piles on.  When most people think of Noah’s ark, they see the children’s bible illustration of a little boat a couple of elephant trunks sticking out the side and two giraffe necks sticking out the top.  And a couple of cute monkeys or pandas standing next to old man Noah.  “Ham” from ASSHAT is having none of that.  First start with a boat that is just big enough to be unbelievable.  To big for one guy to build, but too small to hold all the animals of the world.  So far so good.

Since it is too small to hold all the species of animals, “Ham” from ASSHAT came up with the brilliant idea of of “kinds” of animals.  According to this “theory,” there were say, two cute pandas on the ark.  And from these two cute pandas we got all the bears in the world — in just 4000 years! That’s right polar bears, grizzley bears, sun bears, black bears, brown bears, sloth bears, spectacled bears all NOT evolved from a single breeding pair in 4000 years.  More like animorphs.  Don’t even get me started on the ducks.  So, god didn’t create each animal perfect in it’s place, he created some genetic templates that change — not evolve! — to match their environment.  Don’t worry if the polar bears die off due to climate change.  We’ll just take a pair of brown bears up there and “poof!” after a couple of hundred years they will polar bears.  And Darwinian evolution is ridiculous!

And if that isn’t enough, what about “Ham’s” god?  Well, he picks right up where he ended after Act One, in a fit of pique.  But this time he is not just going to kick us out on our ass, he is actually going to kill us all.  All the little bitty babies, the kids, pregnant women, all the animals.  Dead.  Completely, entirely dead.  Because we are not worthy of his love, or something.  Wiped out.  Drowned.  No mercy.  Kaput.  Can’t wait to go back to church on Sunday to worship this clown.

Oh, he does save eight lucky people.  That’s right, 4000 years ago there were just 8 people on the earth.  How many generations did first cousins have to have sex?  Ugh.  Oh, this is much better than thinking we evolved.

And course, being all knowing and all god totally picked the most righteous people to survived being drowned with all the baby kittens and panda bears.  Which is why, of course the first thing Noah did was replant grapes so he could make wine and get hammered into a near coma.  And his son would take advantage of him in that state.  So we are all descended from an alcoholic whose son committed gay incest.  Explains a lot about “Ken Ham’s” worldview, doesn’t it?

If there are still any believers left, ASSHAT will move onto Phase Three.  In which people work together to try to be like dad (god) again.  So, once again, in a fit of pique he kills…well this time he doesn’t kill them all.  Just to mix things up I guess. This time god just wrecks the hell out of the tower and makes it so people can ever work together again.  That’s right, god makes sure we all speak different languages and have different cultures so that we will never understand each other and will always be in conflict.

Hard to see how there will be any believers left after that.  If so, we can also have a tour of the smoking ruins of Sodom and Gomorrah, when once again, in a fit of pique…wait are we seeing a pattern here?

It has been famously said that the most effective tool for creating atheists is the bible, properly read.  Since no one actually reads the thing, ASSHAT created “Ken Ham” to make it life size and throw it in their faces.

Well played, ASSHAT, well played!


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